A Life of My Own Choosing

Enjoying a beautiful sunset in Ostuni, Italy, dressed for a special solo dinner against a picturesque backdrop.

“Are you here on holiday?” a woman asked as I was leaving Masseria Il Frantoio after a three-and-a-half-hour multi-course meal on the sprawling olive grove in Ostuni, Italy.

It had been one of the evenings I had most been looking forward to during my two-week solo travels through the Puglia region of Italy.

“I am,” I replied as I glanced back towards the patio that had been transformed into the dining room for the evening.

“My husband said he felt sorry for you. Being alone,” she continued, her eyes meeting mine when I turned around.

“No need to be. It was a choice,” I said.

I had known that the family was talking about me by the way they all turned to look at me during dinner. But I hadn't known, it had been out of some misplaced pity. The truth is as a single, childless 42-year-old woman, I have been on the receiving end of comments like this my entire adult life. And while there is a certain level of cultural contempt for all of those who do not travel the traditional path, there is a special type of ridicule reserved for women.

Over the years, I have been told I shouldn’t get too comfortable being alone. That they felt sorry for my parents that I traveled on my own. That I am selfish for not wanting to have children. Questioned why I was so lonely,  because I had the audacity to dine by myself. 

Even in this millennium, it is still hard for many to imagine that a person could choose a way of life that looks different from their own. That it couldn’t possibly be a considered decision.  

As soon as I was old enough to realize I could choose for myself, my aspirations never centered around marriage or children. I was interested in work from a young age, and I knew that I wanted the type of career that would demand sacrifices and might require me to uproot my life. I also wanted to live in different places and have experiences that would take me across the expanse of this great big world. I knew the spontaneous, untethered existence I desired was at odds with a conventional life, so I set out to build one that would better suit me. 

After college, I moved across the country by myself to San Francisco, because I knew the opportunities for a career in Public Relations were greater. Because of that decision I have enjoyed professional experiences and successes that have been beyond what I could have imagined. I pursued my love of writing and food and interviewed CEOs, farmers, three-Michelin-starred chefs, Food Network stars, and even an NBA player. I have at least seen a little of the world that I have been so hungry to explore. I have sang by myself in front of an audience, and I am part of the one percent that will run a marathon in their lifetime. 

I have built a full life, but still in the eyes of many, there is nothing I can accomplish that will rise to the level of being someone's wife or mother. 

If I have learned even a little in these 42 years though, it is that there is no sense in trying to convince someone else of your value. People will try to tell you who you are, that you don't know what you want or that you will change your mind. And you can change your mind, but after some time if you find that what you are looking for is on the other side of ​what is expected then there is no shame in that.

There are no guarantees, and marriage and children aren’t some shortcut to eternal happiness. Whatever life you design, it will be full of heartbreak, doubt, tradeoffs but also moments of genuine wonder and awe. The best any of us can do is to be vast in all the ways that matter to us, so at the end you can say, “I lived.”